I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
