So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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