i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's blow job season.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
