It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
