the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Alive.
So much puke
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
