im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
