i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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