Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
