Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
