he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
