You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
