idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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