my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
