No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
