wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
