he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
