I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize