His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
