I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
