mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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