Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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