Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
