you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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