I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
