New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
