Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
