allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
