Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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