I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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