You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
