tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
