All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
