Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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