After last night, I could never be a politician.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
