the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
