boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
