My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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