I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
