I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
