The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
