I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
