I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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