she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
