if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
