I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
