Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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