If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
