Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
