I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
