how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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