I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
