Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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