I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
