Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
this hospital has no fireball
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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