and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
