if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
