Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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