the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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