I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
