Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
