all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
