My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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