...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
