So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
