I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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