You smell like stripper and shame
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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