Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
