Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So squirting runs in the family.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
